Welcome To My Hell

If I had to pin down the reason I don’t post much anymore. I’d have to go with having a girlfriend is distracting.

But now she’s out of town and I’m still not compelled to post.

I digress. It’s because I hate the new wordpress UI. it’s just too much. I need to post and upload. That’s it. The flashy nav is not working for me. And more over. It’s slow as hell! Use to be I clicked a link, blinked, and the page was there. Now every time I try to post something or even navigate around the WP back end. It’s like 10 second to wait.

And I don’t want to hear any of that maybe it’s the DB or your host…it’s not. The slow shit started the very hour I switched for my old hacked up version of WP to their updated one.

Anyway the whole point being…Perhaps if I can leave the WP UI out of it. I’ll post a bit more.

No matter how intelligent a person may sound. You should never leave anything they say unquestioned. I just saw this amazing rant from a 30 something year old man who has clearly come to the self realized understanding that a thesaurus and free time are all a person needs to be convincing. Well Sir, your grandiloquent bombasticism and incogitant tautologies are pedantic and trite. See? I can play that game too, and I didn’t even have to look those words up.

I’ve seen this buzz around the internet of people worried about the safety of the LHC in Switzerland. People from all directions spouting their mouths off about something they know nothing about. I’ll say that again. …That they know nothing about. One person pipes up and said that a microscopic blackhole could end the world, one guy with a an unapplied physics degree agrees with him, and before you know it, everyone is freaking the hell out. Not once does anyone consider that such a thing could not exist for longer than a billion billionth’s of a second — if that. I learned that just now.

The LHC is expected to begin operations this summer. It will collide proton beams at levels of energy never before produced in a particle accelerator.

This right here is every idiot’s principle argument. “You said we’d never done anything like this before! How do you know what’s going to happen?!”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Physics Professor Steve Giddings:

The Giddings/Mangano study concludes that such microscopic black holes would be harmless. In fact, he added, nature is continuously creating LHC-like collisions when much higher-energy cosmic rays collide with the Earth’s atmosphere, with the Sun, and with other objects such as white dwarfs and neutron stars. If such collisions posed a danger, the consequences for Earth or these astronomical objects would have become evident already, Giddings said.

See?! Just because humans haven’t done it on Earth, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened every nano second of everyday as it has been for the last 4.5 billion years since our solar system formed.

Just because we haven’t observed it, doesn’t mean we can’t prove its existence with mathematics. — Dark matter anyone?

Now I don’t claim to know much about physics past a college level. But I do know how to research something. I do know that when 99.9% of the scientific community, and 100% of the people involved in the LHC say there is no danger, there probably isn’t. And I know damn well that I’m not going to listen to the American public and their superstitious ideas of a particle accelerator ending the world.

“What the American public doesn’t know is exactly what makes them the American public.”

You’re all moths. Fly into the light of bigotry and ignorance while the rest of us evolve and learn to fly without it. And hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you find a bug zapper and do the planet a favor by excising yourself from it.

I took it home every day and practiced.
I memorized all the music in hopes that exerting more effort could some how make up for a lack of skill.
I’ve had nightmares and I’ve lost two nights of sleep over tomorrow’s performance.

Tomorrow I’ll be switching instruments.

I’ve played Oboe for many years, but I am being defaulted and nudged into playing the Flute.

Though the musical theory behind the two is the same, playing them is not.

So in my defense, if tomorrow’s “concert” in a bust, God damn it, I told you so.

Wow. Just wow.

So yesterday I spent the better part of the night trying to juggle between three different places I had to be.

I go to my friend Trent’s wedding reception, and afterwards to Applebee’s with a few old car buddies from Eliterides.com, right? While I’m there, I text eight different people asking if anyone wanted to go to the club with me.

Not a single definitive reply back letting me know.

Ergo, after dinner, being very tired, I drove home, and did not stop by Area 51 on the way. After all, no one said they would be there, I figured they had other plans.

This morning, I wake to 5 text messages, 1 voice mail, and 1 Instant Message all saying something to the effect of: “I didn’t see you at the club last night!” or “We were all here, where were you?”

7 of 8 showed up at the club. Every single one of them assumed I would just “be there”.

I am fuming pissed. Thanks for the excellent send off guys. One problem though, YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT!

This is one of those ‘What did we learn?’ moments that I hope we can all remember in the near future.

We all know what that means right?!

That means that the first person to send me a mass holiday text message, email, or IM will have the distinct pleasure of being punched by me.

…I’m not kidding. You’ve been warned.

People send generic holiday text messages to everyone in their phone as if it’s pleasant and cute. Well I don’t find it cute when you burn up one of my text messages to tell me something of no consequence, and I dont find it to be very pleseant when you wake me up on my day off.

Next time, why don’t you send me something useful like a reminder to change my clock for Daylight Saving Time or something?!

I spent the whole week mentally preparing myself to be stood up. But I also spent the whole week looking forward to Saturday. Despite it all, I’m still upset as hell. I can’t believe how bent out of shape I am about it.

To any of you, I’m sure it’s of little concern if you are ditched. But to someone like myself with my biannual, unfruitful flings, and nothing but work to fill the days, it’s a little different.

I’m hurt, and I’m unbelieveably pissed, and at the same time, the only thing I can bring myself to think about is the fact that I told myself again and again this would happen. Ergo, I shouldn’t be upset. But I can’t help myself. I secretly hoped everything would turn out well. That was my mistake. I wish I could turn all feeling off 100%. But I suppose with each of these incidents, I only get better at being numb.

I’ll be up all night waiting to get the call from Vanessa saying “She’s here!” but I know I will not be getting it.

I’m in one of those moods where I am staring bullets at everyone who is smiling.

Between my recent phone call, seeing Aubrey, and a few other choice happenings this week I am extremely pissed. I know full well that I have no reason to be. In all actuality I don’t feel pissed. But I am going to be very angry anyway just to shake things up. (This is how occcupied I am after work.)

Along those lines. One of my students even asked me if I would be interested in going on a blind date with with someone they knew and the first words out of my mouth were: “I don’t know, I have pretty high standards.” I almost got the impression that they thought I was being rude. Well…I was. Not so much rude as I was being to the point and avoiding the bullshit. The socioligical institution of the ‘blind date’ would not be in place unless the friend was either one of the three different types of crazy I’ve learned about, stupid, or not that attractive.

Even desperation of the nth degree and crippling loneliness have not made me feel any different about my own self esteem, moderated arrogance, dignity.

Undeserved sense of pride? Obstinance? Call it what you will.

F’ing weak. It’s nice and sunny outside when I’m at work! But God forbid that when I have day off I can go outside without getting wet!

And now, we have another weekend of rain and the first snow of the season to cap it off.

I sit in this fucking chair every night and study while listening to movies. Day after day after day. The monotony of my life outside of work has almost driven to do go outside and whip rocks at cars just to shake things up.

Mostly I’m bitter because my only plans are this Saturday. I have nothing else to do. I hate to admit that. I think it’s about time to start going through the ‘bored’ list.

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Of course, it being a Utah Honda/Acura meet, it rained. For those of you who have been to a few of these, you know that we can’t have a car meet around here without some rain.

The turn out was phenomenal. Over 100 cars jammed into the Central Terrace as Sugarhouse park. Saw the guy who ripped my idea off with the SiR 4th Gen Prelude. Heh.

Although the meet was yesterday, I’m posting about it a day late. Which is a very accurate reflection of how I felt about the meet.

Even with the rain, after 2 hours of attempting to get the charcoal lit, discussion with other car enthusiasts, and one or two hilarious moments. Myself as long as many others, were getting antsy. As I drifted through the crowds, the vast majority of what I heard was to the effect of: “Where are we going to go cruise?”

See, when you have a crowd like that, with over 120 people present, they are not going to collectively collaborate as a hive mind and hop in their cars as start driving. They need someone to stand up and go: “Hey! We’re fuckin’ going! Everyone get your shit together and lets go cruise the canyon!”

I was very keen to the fact that the last break in the rain was upon us. After my repeated suggestions to the organizer of the event that we need to cut the futile food attempt out of the schedule. The rain picked up to a pour. And the canyon cruise was cancelled.

Maybe I’m just bitter. Maybe it was all I have to look forward to for the entire month save the unusually prolonged — rendezvous with Heather. I wouldn’t call it an interview. but hardly a tryst either. (What constitutes a “date” anyway?)

Anyway, I was looking forward to a canyon run. I changed my tires, topped off my fluids, changed my oil, washed my car… All so I could go home without getting to molest my car like I was looking forward to doing.

Kinda feels like I was jerked off for an entire week and didn’t finish when the other party quit on me a few seconds shy. I take it back, that’s exactly the way it feels. I’ve got the surging frustration, tics and everything.

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Fuck! I need to find something to occupy myself outside of work. It’s 21:00 and I’m worrying about my upcoming PHP/MySQLÂ class coming up next week! And I’m using military time! Ahh! I can always tell when I’m getting ready freak the hell out when I start thinking on the 24 clock.

You know, it’s times like these when I actually stop and think about how fulfilling my day to day life is, and I want to go outside and smash my face against the pavement until I can no longer freely breathe from choking on blood, and laugh while I’m doing it.

That being said, I’m not crazy. Like a lack of Vitamin C can lead to Scurvy, a lack of joyful things in your life can lead to mood swings of tics, twitches, and wanting a hurt yourself just so you can be reminded that you are in fact still alive.

That is all.